Elves? Yes, Elves. Now, I'm not going to go into being a purist regarding things of elven nature - whether you see Legolas, Dobby, A Keebler Elf, a north pole Elf, or even Will Farrell when you here the term "Elf," I really don't care. There are a lot of definitions when it comes to elves. Chances are pretty good, though that the origins of elves do not come from a make-believe country of 'Elbania' that is situated in the borderlands between the former Yugoslavia and Greece in the late 1800s-early 1900s.
Huh??? What the hell am I talking about? I'm glad you asked. It has to do with me checking out the "writing gigs" section of Craigslist - freelancing kind of stuff. I came across an ad of a guy who said he wanted to fulfill his life's dream of having his book that he wrote made into a stage play. OK, OK...I probably should have turned away right there, but I do like to give people a chance, and I know a little bit about theatre. It doesn't hurt me to get more information. So I respond to the ad and ask the person for more information - how long is the book, what is it about, etc. I give some of my background in writing and theatre, too. Hey, I've been around a while, I've learned a few things - maybe it's an easy way to make a quick buck or two for me.
The response I get: It seems the book is a sociopolitical economic allegory of today's times and problems, set against the background of....(wait for it)....the origin of Santa's elves. You were wondering where the elves came in, I know. The guy sends me a pdf of the work. It's 226 pages long. Wait. Stop. The guy who responds is not the author. Hmm that advertisement said, "It's my dream to see one of my books turned into a play and performed locally at a play house!" It seems this guy is an "e-publisher," and he's either taking personal ownership of something that's not his, or he's just that bad at representing his client. More on this later.
I read the first chapter. I began thinking of children's theatre. Why? Umm, this is about Santa Claus and his elves. What else would I really be thinking of? I send him my thoughts, telling him what I'm thinking thus far. It's just an assessment, after all. I've not put pen to paper, nor will I until we have a contract or I've got cash in hand. The response I get is that the author was really hoping that a play from the book would be geared towards teens and adults. I should point out at this time that the publisher is simply in awe of this author, who has a Harvard degree (this gets pointed out to me later on as well).
Wait. He wants to make this book into a play geared for adults and teens, and it's about Santa's elves?? I begin to sense the amount of gymnastics this will require in order to create a successful script. It's a lot. I'm having doubts that it can even be done. I read on - it's only one chapter. I should have stopped there.
After a few more chapters, I realize a few things. 1) this has too many problems to become a serious play. 2) If this author takes himself seriously, my opinion of a Harvard education just went down a lot. 3) This makes Scooby-Doo look like academic literature. I somehow stomach through 10 chapters. I can take no more. I have an option here, and perhaps the best thing would have been to just disappear quietly into the ether, but no, there's a man out there marketing a book that, for lack of a better term, sucks. There are grammatical errors, inconsistencies galore, and so many other problems with it that it's hard to even pick a place to begin. But I like to be a nice guy, and I like to support other authors, so, I take the second option: explain what I didn't like about it, and offer to assist the author in beginning a diologue to fix the issues. It becomes a lengthy message.
No one likes to hear criticisms, and I understand this. All of my communication has been with the e-publisher, not the author - I asked the publisher to forward my commetns on to the author. I don't think that's happened, and at this point, I don't care. It's the response I got from the publisher that simply amazes me. The man was dumbfounded that I found all of these errors, citing that: IT WAS A CHILDREN'S BOOK. Well, that certainly explains a lot about the writing, but hold the damned phone for one second:
1) sociopolitical economic allegories do NOT belong in Children's Lit.
2) If it's a kid's book, why does the author want to market a play to teens and adults?????
I politely send him an e-mail, stating that I gave him what was requested of me, and letting him know that what he did was actually misrepresenting his client, and I am glad I declined the opportunity to work for a man who blames other for his misrepresentations. I also asked him politely not to contact me again.
The dude had to go and respond...some silly lengthy letter that I promptly just put in the trash and deleted. I don't need to waste any more of my time on him, his company, or this completely silly work.
But it begs the question: "Is e-publishing really beneficial to us?" Here's a case of a guy - supposedly intelligent - who believes he has an axe to grind, and wrote this tale for his kids, hoping it can become a Christmas Classic (various other points that should have been brought forth in the beginning, but were ignored by the publisher). Yes, you heard me right - he wants to enter the pantheon of Seuss, Schultz, and Dickens when it comes to holiday literature. Because of the "be published NOW" philosophy of e-publishing, he's out there now, selling books (according to the publisher, over 6,000 copies, and 6,000 people CAN'T possibly be wrong. Never mind that "copies sold" doesn't mean "copies cherished.") Have we gone too far, to where all that matters anymore is the number of copies we sell, not the quality of the work we do?
With so many others taking this same route to self-publishing/ e-publishing, the market is being overrun by people who won't/ can't take criticism and think that just because it's been published means that it's automatically great. Some, of course, ARE actually quite good. There are a lot more people who know what they're doing than ever before. Unfortunately, there are a lot more who believe that because they have an idea, it's automatically perfect, simply because they had it. Let's face it, kids - not all ideas are good ideas. It's not the person having the idea that makes it a good or bad idea. The thought must stand on its own. We're missing that crucial step.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Happy New Year!!!!!
Well, so it's happened again. The holidays are over, and it's time to get back to work tomorrow. And so, it's time to look at the overcrowded gyms, the subscriptions to weight watchers, and the various many forms of New Year's Resolutions that we all make. Yes, even me, too.
Last year, I think I remember talking about why we make these resolutions - and it came down to a simple word: hope. We hope for something better. Anything better. That still holds. If we don't hope for more, then we can never achieve it. If we think we've already reached the pinnacle, then we cannot be any better than we already are. Most important is the ability to envision our lives as better than they currently are. We have to envision ourselves as better, or we cannot attain it.
So this year, my wish for all of you is an old slogan, made popular by the advertising geniuses at Nike. Just do it. I know it sounds trite, cliche, and pretty weak on the whole, but it's not. It's actually one of the truest things I've come to learn in recent years. It means that it's time to put away the excuses. Stop finding someone or something to blame. It means being responsible for yourself. It means finding a reason to press on instead of finding a reason to quit.
So pick your goals. Make them important and attainable. Don't try to lose 100 lbs, try to lose 20. If you make the goal, set a higher one. But whatever you do, don't stop. JUST DO IT. Sometimes we get beaten - it happens, and it's not our fault - unless we beat ourselves.
So what are my goals? What will I do differently this year? How will I be more? There are a lot of areas in my life that I want to improve.
1) Fitness. Last year, I wanted to learn how to ride hills, finally. Well, I did it. I mean, ok, I still suck at them, but I did learn how to ride hills. This year, the goal is pretty easy: The Century Ride. Nope, I've never done one, and this year, I want to get in the 100-mile day on the bike. It seems like a small goal, perhaps, to some, but to me, it's large enoughand still attainable. To help, I'm doing the MS 150 again (June 9-10). So hey, more about it in a later post, but if you wanna sponsor my ride, the folks at the National MS Society would appreciate it.
2)Workshop. I was able to turn out some nice stuff this year, and it was pretty good. Worth noting. But this next year, I'd like to work on turning out some more stuff. Plans are in the works already for a few objects - we'll see how it goes. If it's according to plan, then this, too, shall be met.
3) I drink too much. Well, I drink too much of the wrong stuff. Too much caffeine, and yeah, too much alcohol. That needs to be cut back severely. Hello, H2O, my new friend.
So, there are a few of my goals. There are more, of a more personal nature, but hey, three pretty big areas are a good place to start. I hope and pray that anyone reading sets their own goals, and that you remember to Just do it. Focus, be strong. Whether your goal is your relationship, your career, your home - whatever - don't get beaten by it. Take charge and take it head-on.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
Last year, I think I remember talking about why we make these resolutions - and it came down to a simple word: hope. We hope for something better. Anything better. That still holds. If we don't hope for more, then we can never achieve it. If we think we've already reached the pinnacle, then we cannot be any better than we already are. Most important is the ability to envision our lives as better than they currently are. We have to envision ourselves as better, or we cannot attain it.
So this year, my wish for all of you is an old slogan, made popular by the advertising geniuses at Nike. Just do it. I know it sounds trite, cliche, and pretty weak on the whole, but it's not. It's actually one of the truest things I've come to learn in recent years. It means that it's time to put away the excuses. Stop finding someone or something to blame. It means being responsible for yourself. It means finding a reason to press on instead of finding a reason to quit.
So pick your goals. Make them important and attainable. Don't try to lose 100 lbs, try to lose 20. If you make the goal, set a higher one. But whatever you do, don't stop. JUST DO IT. Sometimes we get beaten - it happens, and it's not our fault - unless we beat ourselves.
So what are my goals? What will I do differently this year? How will I be more? There are a lot of areas in my life that I want to improve.
1) Fitness. Last year, I wanted to learn how to ride hills, finally. Well, I did it. I mean, ok, I still suck at them, but I did learn how to ride hills. This year, the goal is pretty easy: The Century Ride. Nope, I've never done one, and this year, I want to get in the 100-mile day on the bike. It seems like a small goal, perhaps, to some, but to me, it's large enoughand still attainable. To help, I'm doing the MS 150 again (June 9-10). So hey, more about it in a later post, but if you wanna sponsor my ride, the folks at the National MS Society would appreciate it.
2)Workshop. I was able to turn out some nice stuff this year, and it was pretty good. Worth noting. But this next year, I'd like to work on turning out some more stuff. Plans are in the works already for a few objects - we'll see how it goes. If it's according to plan, then this, too, shall be met.
3) I drink too much. Well, I drink too much of the wrong stuff. Too much caffeine, and yeah, too much alcohol. That needs to be cut back severely. Hello, H2O, my new friend.
So, there are a few of my goals. There are more, of a more personal nature, but hey, three pretty big areas are a good place to start. I hope and pray that anyone reading sets their own goals, and that you remember to Just do it. Focus, be strong. Whether your goal is your relationship, your career, your home - whatever - don't get beaten by it. Take charge and take it head-on.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Holiday thoughts
Ahh, so once again, here I sit, a few days before Christmas, work finally lightening up just before an extended break, listening to music of the season, as I have done for a few years now. Only, it doesn't feel like Christmas. I feel like Cindy Lou Who in Ron Howard's take on "the Grinch", looking for that spirit to wrap me in its mantle, asking the question, "Where are you, Christmas?"
And I don't have an answer.
I just can't seem to find it, no matter where I look. Now - before any of you go and start thinking there's something wrong, I do NOT feel depressed or lonesome, or like the holidays are a waste of time, or anything like that. Quite the contrary - I WANT to be amazed, dazzled, filled with sugarplum fairy magic that turns things into a festive wonderland - all that good stuff. For some reason, this year, it's difficult to channel that spirit and feel it all around me.
Perhaps it's the cold - err - the warmth. It doesn't feel like Christmas outside to me. There's no snow. Christmas just isn't Christmas without a little snow on the ground, or the scent of pine boughs wafting through a house. It needs some good old fashioned egg nog or mulled wine, a peppermint stick and a roaring fireplace. It needs music. Most of all, if I had to pick my favorite thing about it, it needs darkness.
Maybe that's what it is that I'm missing. The best memory, my most favorite thing of all at Christmastime was to sit in the dark and watch the tree, decorated with bobs and baubles of every shape and size reflect the lights that twinkled on and off between the branches of the tree. I distinctly remember that my father would dress the tree with three strings of colored lights. Those things lasted forever, it seems. They blinked out of sequence, and I remember watching the patterns on the ceiling change until the sequence made its full cycle and began again, watching as the shadow-patterns changed. It was dark, so there was only one thing to do: watch the tree and listen to whatever music was playing on the record player - yeah, I said "record player" - as in old vinyl albums.
That darkness held in it a mystery and a fascination that marked the season for me. What was glitzy and glittering in the world didn't matter - it was too dark to see it anyway. There was plenty of time for everything that was shiny and new, but most importantly, there was the simple quietness of those moments.
I couldn't tell you if my parents planned that specifically or not. I don't know, and I doubt I will ever ask. They probably used it as a way to just quiet the house down, if the truth would ever come out. I can look now and see the symbolism inherent in those moments: the "people in darkness" witnessing a "great light," Christ being the Light or the World, etc - even down to the Grinch realizing that "...maybe Christmas didn't come from a store..." All have their small spot in this rather Rockwellian scene, I suppose.
There was something elsemy parents did that ended up being pretty cool: A day or two prior to Christmas Eve, my mother would bake a cake. This was a special cake - it was a birthday cake. Of course, all kids know and understand the importance of a birthday - Mom was pretty good at taking advantage of these opportunities. This cake was white, with three layers, round, coated with white icing with little red hots all around the outside edge, and one lone candle in the middle. This was the birthday cake for Jesus.
We would go to the evening Mass, and when we came home, excited as only children know how to be, we would gather in the living room, and pass around the nativity set, all wrapped up in newspapers. We would unwrap the characters of the nativity, and smile and hope we wouldn't get stuck with the stupid cow again. Dad would read the Christmas Story from the Gospel of Luke, and as the verses directed, we would each place our character in the little box/manger under the tree. When that was done, we would celebrate the coming of Jesus by singing happy birthday and Mom woudl ask us about all the symbolic things about the cake while we scarfed it down. I'm not so sure giving small children sugar right before bed on Christmas Eve was the smartest thing they ever decided to do, but, well, it was only once a year. But that's how it was - Christmas Eve was for Jesus, Christmas Day was for Santa Claus.
Somehow, through the years, Jesus and Santa never had a fight. It worked for us. And other than a few rare instances, I can barely racall anything Santa gave me.
This year will be the second in a row that I've not put up a Christmas tree, as I won't be home for the holiday. Maybe that's why it doesn't quite feel right. I can't be certain, but I know one thing: sitting here writing this, telling any who might read how I grew up, sharing with my friends and relatives - it feels just like I'm sitting in the dark, watching those colorful blinking lights on the tree, listening to vinyl records spin on the turntable, with all their white noise playing through the hi-fi set. It's December 20th, and maybe I just found Christmas.
A very Merry Christmas to you all. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, the Solstice, or any other particular belief - may you be surrounded with family and friends. May you know joy and peace. May you revel in the warm thoughts of the season. May you find rest. Know that I'm thinking of you, and I consider myself blessed to have you in my life. So say it again - despite the political incorrectness of it: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
And I don't have an answer.
I just can't seem to find it, no matter where I look. Now - before any of you go and start thinking there's something wrong, I do NOT feel depressed or lonesome, or like the holidays are a waste of time, or anything like that. Quite the contrary - I WANT to be amazed, dazzled, filled with sugarplum fairy magic that turns things into a festive wonderland - all that good stuff. For some reason, this year, it's difficult to channel that spirit and feel it all around me.
Perhaps it's the cold - err - the warmth. It doesn't feel like Christmas outside to me. There's no snow. Christmas just isn't Christmas without a little snow on the ground, or the scent of pine boughs wafting through a house. It needs some good old fashioned egg nog or mulled wine, a peppermint stick and a roaring fireplace. It needs music. Most of all, if I had to pick my favorite thing about it, it needs darkness.
Maybe that's what it is that I'm missing. The best memory, my most favorite thing of all at Christmastime was to sit in the dark and watch the tree, decorated with bobs and baubles of every shape and size reflect the lights that twinkled on and off between the branches of the tree. I distinctly remember that my father would dress the tree with three strings of colored lights. Those things lasted forever, it seems. They blinked out of sequence, and I remember watching the patterns on the ceiling change until the sequence made its full cycle and began again, watching as the shadow-patterns changed. It was dark, so there was only one thing to do: watch the tree and listen to whatever music was playing on the record player - yeah, I said "record player" - as in old vinyl albums.
That darkness held in it a mystery and a fascination that marked the season for me. What was glitzy and glittering in the world didn't matter - it was too dark to see it anyway. There was plenty of time for everything that was shiny and new, but most importantly, there was the simple quietness of those moments.
I couldn't tell you if my parents planned that specifically or not. I don't know, and I doubt I will ever ask. They probably used it as a way to just quiet the house down, if the truth would ever come out. I can look now and see the symbolism inherent in those moments: the "people in darkness" witnessing a "great light," Christ being the Light or the World, etc - even down to the Grinch realizing that "...maybe Christmas didn't come from a store..." All have their small spot in this rather Rockwellian scene, I suppose.
There was something elsemy parents did that ended up being pretty cool: A day or two prior to Christmas Eve, my mother would bake a cake. This was a special cake - it was a birthday cake. Of course, all kids know and understand the importance of a birthday - Mom was pretty good at taking advantage of these opportunities. This cake was white, with three layers, round, coated with white icing with little red hots all around the outside edge, and one lone candle in the middle. This was the birthday cake for Jesus.
We would go to the evening Mass, and when we came home, excited as only children know how to be, we would gather in the living room, and pass around the nativity set, all wrapped up in newspapers. We would unwrap the characters of the nativity, and smile and hope we wouldn't get stuck with the stupid cow again. Dad would read the Christmas Story from the Gospel of Luke, and as the verses directed, we would each place our character in the little box/manger under the tree. When that was done, we would celebrate the coming of Jesus by singing happy birthday and Mom woudl ask us about all the symbolic things about the cake while we scarfed it down. I'm not so sure giving small children sugar right before bed on Christmas Eve was the smartest thing they ever decided to do, but, well, it was only once a year. But that's how it was - Christmas Eve was for Jesus, Christmas Day was for Santa Claus.
Somehow, through the years, Jesus and Santa never had a fight. It worked for us. And other than a few rare instances, I can barely racall anything Santa gave me.
This year will be the second in a row that I've not put up a Christmas tree, as I won't be home for the holiday. Maybe that's why it doesn't quite feel right. I can't be certain, but I know one thing: sitting here writing this, telling any who might read how I grew up, sharing with my friends and relatives - it feels just like I'm sitting in the dark, watching those colorful blinking lights on the tree, listening to vinyl records spin on the turntable, with all their white noise playing through the hi-fi set. It's December 20th, and maybe I just found Christmas.
A very Merry Christmas to you all. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, the Solstice, or any other particular belief - may you be surrounded with family and friends. May you know joy and peace. May you revel in the warm thoughts of the season. May you find rest. Know that I'm thinking of you, and I consider myself blessed to have you in my life. So say it again - despite the political incorrectness of it: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
Friday, October 28, 2011
Application for a name change....
Look out world - in just a few days' time, you're probably not going to see that much of me for a month. Busy, busy, busy. So, in light of some recent events and the fact that you'll be without my rambling sentences for a while (was that a collective sigh of relief I just heard?) I thought I'd give you one more little snippet before I disappear.
I am changing my name to Cyrano de Bergerac. No, my nose is not obnoxious, nor do I plan on rhinoplasty to make it that way. No, I cannot wield a sword to save my life. However, when a young friend of mine comes up to me today and says simply, "So what are the rules for taking someone out on a dinner-date?" Well, I think I've made my mark as the "hidden somewhere in the shadows voice/puppetmaster" So, I gave him the rules. Thankfully, I was not actually asked to feed the correct words to him, and he should have enough wisdom to find them on his own - he's a pretty bright chap, after all. But the essence is the same: I was asked to supply the method and means for this guy to....never mind. I don't wanna know ANY of the details.
But I KNOW you're all dying to hear just what I told this young fella. So here you go - the rules for a first date/dinner!!!!!!!
There are two basic rules, and only two basic goals.
GOAL #1: Make sure the lady in question has an excellent time.
GOAL #2: Make sure the lady in question wants to have a SECOND excellent time.
Anything else that happens - be it from the mundane to the....not so mundane - is extra. Gravy. Not necessary, but welcome. A happy accident. A natural awesome. The goals are simple, and they should never get you into trouble. If things don't work out and become anything, she still had a nice time and will have no reason to say anything bad about you. This protects your reputation. If things do work out for the better, then it achieves the goal of getting the second date. EITHER WAY, SHE WILL TELL HER FRIENDS. If these goals are met, you simply can't lose.
Now, how does one accomplish these goals??? By following the two basic rules, of course! These are fairly broad rules, and you can probably argue that there are quite a number of specific rules buried inside each one, but for the guys...it's easier to just dumb this down to two overarching rules. Gents, we work better with small numbers, face it.
RULE#1)ALWAYS BE A GENTLEMAN.
RULE#2)lET HER SET THE PACE.
See? Simple but broad rules. They are designed only to meet the goals previously stated, but can often achieve much more. Of course, the implications of each are enough to fill volumes, but they still come back to being a gentleman and letting her set the pace. Yes, following these rules and goals can be painstakingly slow, at times, but they offer you the best chance at long-term and short-term success. In these days of instant gratification and electronic media, there's something to be said for a person who knows how to take it slow and invest his time and effort into another person. It's called "Intimacy," and it's not a dirty word. It shows the other person that you value them, that their needs and deisres matter to you, and that it doesn't have to be all about you. It's about respect, after all.
On an aside to the ladies. These rules and goals? You should insist upon them.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
I am changing my name to Cyrano de Bergerac. No, my nose is not obnoxious, nor do I plan on rhinoplasty to make it that way. No, I cannot wield a sword to save my life. However, when a young friend of mine comes up to me today and says simply, "So what are the rules for taking someone out on a dinner-date?" Well, I think I've made my mark as the "hidden somewhere in the shadows voice/puppetmaster" So, I gave him the rules. Thankfully, I was not actually asked to feed the correct words to him, and he should have enough wisdom to find them on his own - he's a pretty bright chap, after all. But the essence is the same: I was asked to supply the method and means for this guy to....never mind. I don't wanna know ANY of the details.
But I KNOW you're all dying to hear just what I told this young fella. So here you go - the rules for a first date/dinner!!!!!!!
There are two basic rules, and only two basic goals.
GOAL #1: Make sure the lady in question has an excellent time.
GOAL #2: Make sure the lady in question wants to have a SECOND excellent time.
Anything else that happens - be it from the mundane to the....not so mundane - is extra. Gravy. Not necessary, but welcome. A happy accident. A natural awesome. The goals are simple, and they should never get you into trouble. If things don't work out and become anything, she still had a nice time and will have no reason to say anything bad about you. This protects your reputation. If things do work out for the better, then it achieves the goal of getting the second date. EITHER WAY, SHE WILL TELL HER FRIENDS. If these goals are met, you simply can't lose.
Now, how does one accomplish these goals??? By following the two basic rules, of course! These are fairly broad rules, and you can probably argue that there are quite a number of specific rules buried inside each one, but for the guys...it's easier to just dumb this down to two overarching rules. Gents, we work better with small numbers, face it.
RULE#1)ALWAYS BE A GENTLEMAN.
RULE#2)lET HER SET THE PACE.
See? Simple but broad rules. They are designed only to meet the goals previously stated, but can often achieve much more. Of course, the implications of each are enough to fill volumes, but they still come back to being a gentleman and letting her set the pace. Yes, following these rules and goals can be painstakingly slow, at times, but they offer you the best chance at long-term and short-term success. In these days of instant gratification and electronic media, there's something to be said for a person who knows how to take it slow and invest his time and effort into another person. It's called "Intimacy," and it's not a dirty word. It shows the other person that you value them, that their needs and deisres matter to you, and that it doesn't have to be all about you. It's about respect, after all.
On an aside to the ladies. These rules and goals? You should insist upon them.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
One week to go...
WOOOO!!!!! One week to go until NaNoWriMo, and the Fat Kid is gettin' excited!! Almost all my planning is done for this work - a rare thing, as it's usually not my style to plan ahead. A lot of the thinking is done...and I have been itching to write for about two weeks - but I'm not allowed to start it yet!!!!!
So for the next week, if I become a little more prolific in my writing, then you can assume it's me exercising my fingers just to get them in the mood to write 1700 words a day! I'm hoping that the first couple of days, when I get some of my ideas out of my head, that I will be well ahead of the game, but we'll have to see about that. There's really no telling how that's going to work itself out, other than to just do it and see what happens.
But, much of the scene planning done - I just have a little bit left to work out and then I should be good to go. It's a matter of sitting down and actually doing it, that's all. So here I am, my head full of stuff I can write, stuff I want to write, and.....I'm not allowed to write it yet! I'm not sure there is a worse fate for a writer.
So for the next week, if I become a little more prolific in my writing, then you can assume it's me exercising my fingers just to get them in the mood to write 1700 words a day! I'm hoping that the first couple of days, when I get some of my ideas out of my head, that I will be well ahead of the game, but we'll have to see about that. There's really no telling how that's going to work itself out, other than to just do it and see what happens.
But, much of the scene planning done - I just have a little bit left to work out and then I should be good to go. It's a matter of sitting down and actually doing it, that's all. So here I am, my head full of stuff I can write, stuff I want to write, and.....I'm not allowed to write it yet! I'm not sure there is a worse fate for a writer.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Writings and rambling and rantings, Oh my!!
Good news, kids...With National Novel Writing Month quickly approaching (and seriously, they should really think about finding a month without a huge holiday in it) plans are well underway for the 50,000 word challenge. Yes, for those playing along at home, that's 1,667 words per day - the equivelant of a short essay. And that's not just five days a week, mind you, that EVERY day of November. Never fear, kids - I know how how to ramble on about seemingly unimportant things to be able to fill up a bit of space - or haven't you been reading closely? The key to doing something like this is to take it slowly. No, not the process of writing, but the plot and events of the story itself. If I take the time to let the story develop as it shouold, then I imagine that I'm probably looking at something akin to 100,000 to 130,000 words in order to tell the story I have in mind. No, if I can get THAT done in November, I'll be damned impressed with myself.
But if a story is that easy to tell in words, why can't we use the same thing for film?? Just slow it down and tell the whole story - leave nothing out. How hard is this to do? OK, it's a different medium, and you're going to "lose time" on the fact that things are visual - it's an instant communication, and all the words that take up six paragraphs describing the weather can be told in a split second. OK, that's the medium there, not the writing. It's not like a good story (and good story-telling) won't sell - look at Harry Potter. HUGE successes, and they never really scrimp on the storylines. They might eliminate a couple of things that don't really add to the movie experience, but each one of those films kept in mind the idea that you can never skip steps when telling a story. You have to hit all the plot points! You can't skip them - particularly when it involves falling in love (yeah, I'm looking at you, Kenneth Branagh and Joss Whedon, dirctors of this summer's "Thor").
Thus, there must be some ground rules posted for film.
The Fat Kid's Rules for American Cinema.
1) Thou shalt never sumbit American audiences to a film that runs under two hours, except in cases of childrens' movies or documentaries.
2) A character needs at least 4 "movie days" to fall completely in love with another character, otherwise, they just wanna get in the sack. Exceptions for productions of Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde, where it's understood they all just wanna get in the sack anyway.
3) I don't care how many explosions you use, Michael Bay, if the lines are bad, the movie is bad. Period.
4) THOU SHALT NOT REMAKE FILMS THAT WERE PERFECT THE FIRST TIME THROUGH. (AHEM: Producers of the latest "Footloose" film, are you paying attention?) If you want to remake something, remake a movie that bombed and rescue it from being the next "Ishtar" or "Gigli".
5) Thou shalt NEVER scrimp on the minutest of details when making a superhero movie. Please - the damned stories are already weak enough, and you have to get the two hours of run-time in anyway...just put the scenes in!
6) Thou shalt not remove scenes from the film that were put in the trailor. We'd rather see what we're getting than feel you've lied to us.
7) Thou shalt resist the temptation to animate/cgi everything and likewise shall resist the dreaded 3-D concept. It's on a FLAT screen. It's only two dimensional. Sorry, but it's the truth.
8) Thou shalt refrain from putting every female starlet in revealing outfits unless it is dictated by the role (example: Megan Fox in "Transformers" - shorts were completely unnecessary, we already understand that she's pretty). There are simply NOT that many stories about "working girls" out there. Stop it. It's called "style" and "class" and you need to get some.
9) There shalt be no more than a trilogy for all films. I'm sorry, but the same plot device being told 10-12 times is lame.
10) IF YOU CANNOT MAKE A GOOD FILM OUT OF SOMETHING WITHOUT ALTERING OR ELIMINATING CRUCIAL STORY THREADS, SELL THE SCRIPT TO A TV STUDIO THAT CAN. Case in Point: HBO's "Game of Thrones" was an excellent method of telling an epic story, and they did it well.
11) When adapting from a work of literature (fiction or non-fiction matters not) the Author of the book has final script approval. It's their story, not yours. Shut up and tell their story.
12) Writers write, actors act, directors direct....Producers just throw money around. I don't care if you're Spielberg or Lucas. Know your roles, do not cross them.
If you continue to demand simply crazy prices to watch your films, then I believe we're entitled to look at something worth watching. Thank you, that is all.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
But if a story is that easy to tell in words, why can't we use the same thing for film?? Just slow it down and tell the whole story - leave nothing out. How hard is this to do? OK, it's a different medium, and you're going to "lose time" on the fact that things are visual - it's an instant communication, and all the words that take up six paragraphs describing the weather can be told in a split second. OK, that's the medium there, not the writing. It's not like a good story (and good story-telling) won't sell - look at Harry Potter. HUGE successes, and they never really scrimp on the storylines. They might eliminate a couple of things that don't really add to the movie experience, but each one of those films kept in mind the idea that you can never skip steps when telling a story. You have to hit all the plot points! You can't skip them - particularly when it involves falling in love (yeah, I'm looking at you, Kenneth Branagh and Joss Whedon, dirctors of this summer's "Thor").
Thus, there must be some ground rules posted for film.
The Fat Kid's Rules for American Cinema.
1) Thou shalt never sumbit American audiences to a film that runs under two hours, except in cases of childrens' movies or documentaries.
2) A character needs at least 4 "movie days" to fall completely in love with another character, otherwise, they just wanna get in the sack. Exceptions for productions of Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde, where it's understood they all just wanna get in the sack anyway.
3) I don't care how many explosions you use, Michael Bay, if the lines are bad, the movie is bad. Period.
4) THOU SHALT NOT REMAKE FILMS THAT WERE PERFECT THE FIRST TIME THROUGH. (AHEM: Producers of the latest "Footloose" film, are you paying attention?) If you want to remake something, remake a movie that bombed and rescue it from being the next "Ishtar" or "Gigli".
5) Thou shalt NEVER scrimp on the minutest of details when making a superhero movie. Please - the damned stories are already weak enough, and you have to get the two hours of run-time in anyway...just put the scenes in!
6) Thou shalt not remove scenes from the film that were put in the trailor. We'd rather see what we're getting than feel you've lied to us.
7) Thou shalt resist the temptation to animate/cgi everything and likewise shall resist the dreaded 3-D concept. It's on a FLAT screen. It's only two dimensional. Sorry, but it's the truth.
8) Thou shalt refrain from putting every female starlet in revealing outfits unless it is dictated by the role (example: Megan Fox in "Transformers" - shorts were completely unnecessary, we already understand that she's pretty). There are simply NOT that many stories about "working girls" out there. Stop it. It's called "style" and "class" and you need to get some.
9) There shalt be no more than a trilogy for all films. I'm sorry, but the same plot device being told 10-12 times is lame.
10) IF YOU CANNOT MAKE A GOOD FILM OUT OF SOMETHING WITHOUT ALTERING OR ELIMINATING CRUCIAL STORY THREADS, SELL THE SCRIPT TO A TV STUDIO THAT CAN. Case in Point: HBO's "Game of Thrones" was an excellent method of telling an epic story, and they did it well.
11) When adapting from a work of literature (fiction or non-fiction matters not) the Author of the book has final script approval. It's their story, not yours. Shut up and tell their story.
12) Writers write, actors act, directors direct....Producers just throw money around. I don't care if you're Spielberg or Lucas. Know your roles, do not cross them.
If you continue to demand simply crazy prices to watch your films, then I believe we're entitled to look at something worth watching. Thank you, that is all.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Hope Springs Eternal
Recently, the Fat Kid has been criticised (shock, gasp!) for being - if you can believe it - too positive. Now, to those of you who have known me for years, including my wild and checkered past of negativity and Eeyore-induced melancholy, you're either about be completely blown away by this, or you will suddenly have a conversion of faith - perhaps even both. Yes, I have been accused of being too positive, of possessing too much hope, faith in humanity, good-naturedness, happiness, and even joy. Specifically, I have been told that it is a waste of my time, and I am deluded. I have been told that love, happiness, contentedness, and good things do not exist, and that my outlook on life should be pitied.
I am fortunate enough to have friends and loved ones who - even through the years of "ho-hum, thanks for noticing" claptrap I would utter - found ways to show they cared...often amidst my strong objections. They celebrated my birthday when I told them not to. They said "good morning" even when they knew my standard response was, "What's good about it?" They stuck with me through thick and thin, no matter how many times I tried to stand alone, aloof, and apart from the rest of the crowd. They didn't give up on me, even when I'd given up on myself, and I am a better man because of it.
At no time has this been made more clear to me than in the last few weeks. I was lucky enough to meet someone who was the very reflection of what I used to be: afraid to share, to give of myself, to let people touch my life and affect me, to be open and honest with who I am, and show off my best qualities. I was also lucky enough to see a friend make a decision to change her very life, and dare to dream again, to take a risk and say "Damn the risk! This thing is good, I deserve it, I want it, and even if it means I get hurt, I'll do it anyway!" And then, that same person said to me, "You never gave up on me, when I was giving up on myself."
It was, in a word, humbling. And then I was accused of wasting my life and time and energy on being poisitve when there was no point. To that, I say simply (and I think appropriately, too) Bullshit. To hope, to dream, to evision something that doesn't yet exist is to bring out the best elements in yourself, and maybe, if you're lucky, you'll help someone else out along the way. You might not even know you're doing it, but a kind word or smile, a simple cheery hello, anything at all can brighten someone's day. It makes a difference. That is never a waste.
There is nothing else like Man on this planet. Sure, we have our faults. We pollute, we waste resources, we kill, we steal, we're selfish, we're bigoted, we're rude, we're dishonest - heck, there's a lot of bad things about us. But we also have the ability to dream, to hope, to nurture, to give, to grow, to help, to inspire, to create, and to be kind. These things are not instinctual. They have nothing to do with basic living needs. They are choices we make, and whatever we choose to focus on is what we will receive in kind. We simply have to make the choice.
To those who have been bright spots in my life when I was in despair, you have my humble thanks. To those who were annoyingly positive during that time, you'll be happy to know your smiley-ness has infected me and it's spreading. To those to whom I'm now annoyingly positive, resistance is futile.
Hope springs eternal. It cannot be crushed unless we allow it - unless we choose to crush it within ourselves. I choose to nourish hope, I dare to dream. Why? Because I believe we're worth it. And I may be a fool for it, and I may get burned a time or two because of it, and I may get my hopes dashed to pieces on occasion. That's reality - it can happen. But so what? Like my friend says, "Damn the risk!"
Thanks for reading.
The Fat Kid
I am fortunate enough to have friends and loved ones who - even through the years of "ho-hum, thanks for noticing" claptrap I would utter - found ways to show they cared...often amidst my strong objections. They celebrated my birthday when I told them not to. They said "good morning" even when they knew my standard response was, "What's good about it?" They stuck with me through thick and thin, no matter how many times I tried to stand alone, aloof, and apart from the rest of the crowd. They didn't give up on me, even when I'd given up on myself, and I am a better man because of it.
At no time has this been made more clear to me than in the last few weeks. I was lucky enough to meet someone who was the very reflection of what I used to be: afraid to share, to give of myself, to let people touch my life and affect me, to be open and honest with who I am, and show off my best qualities. I was also lucky enough to see a friend make a decision to change her very life, and dare to dream again, to take a risk and say "Damn the risk! This thing is good, I deserve it, I want it, and even if it means I get hurt, I'll do it anyway!" And then, that same person said to me, "You never gave up on me, when I was giving up on myself."
It was, in a word, humbling. And then I was accused of wasting my life and time and energy on being poisitve when there was no point. To that, I say simply (and I think appropriately, too) Bullshit. To hope, to dream, to evision something that doesn't yet exist is to bring out the best elements in yourself, and maybe, if you're lucky, you'll help someone else out along the way. You might not even know you're doing it, but a kind word or smile, a simple cheery hello, anything at all can brighten someone's day. It makes a difference. That is never a waste.
There is nothing else like Man on this planet. Sure, we have our faults. We pollute, we waste resources, we kill, we steal, we're selfish, we're bigoted, we're rude, we're dishonest - heck, there's a lot of bad things about us. But we also have the ability to dream, to hope, to nurture, to give, to grow, to help, to inspire, to create, and to be kind. These things are not instinctual. They have nothing to do with basic living needs. They are choices we make, and whatever we choose to focus on is what we will receive in kind. We simply have to make the choice.
To those who have been bright spots in my life when I was in despair, you have my humble thanks. To those who were annoyingly positive during that time, you'll be happy to know your smiley-ness has infected me and it's spreading. To those to whom I'm now annoyingly positive, resistance is futile.
Hope springs eternal. It cannot be crushed unless we allow it - unless we choose to crush it within ourselves. I choose to nourish hope, I dare to dream. Why? Because I believe we're worth it. And I may be a fool for it, and I may get burned a time or two because of it, and I may get my hopes dashed to pieces on occasion. That's reality - it can happen. But so what? Like my friend says, "Damn the risk!"
Thanks for reading.
The Fat Kid
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