I love spam. No, not the stuff in the can called "simulatef parts and meat", "specially processed American meat" or any other version of it that you've heard. No, I'm talking about e-mail spam (thus named for it's closeness to the annoying Hormel product). Now, I don't love it because it's awesome, or anything else - no, I love it because of the humor in my junkmail folder. and 90% of involves some sort of financial transaction - either between me, a bank in Sri Lanka, a Nigerian prince, a dead relative that I've never heard of, or, my new favorite, the one that simply says "I can send you $622.77 tonight!" Dammit, I need $624.98!
So I got to thinking. What other get-rich-quick schemes are out there, and how should I employ them? Hmmmmm......
1) make a "product" to get rid of something silly - like dust mites or yellow heffalumps. Get the ShamWOW guy to sell it. Profit.
2) Start a religion. Demand tithing.
3) Marry someone rich, insist on no pre-nup, and divorce them. Like Paul McCartney or Hugh Heffner. Or one of the former Mrs. Trumps. Oprah.
4) Write something completely insane and provacative and publish it in the NY Times. It doesn't matter what I'd say - the offers would come in.
5) Kill all internationally recognized political pundits. Wait for the rewards to arrive.
6) Claim to know where Bin Laden is. Profit.
7) Find Tyler Durden. Make Soap.
8) Start a production company. Allow it to fail. Escape to Belize with the insurance money.
9) Buy stock in AIG, GM, IndyMac, etc. Their stock has virtually no value anyway. Sue them when they go belly-up....again.
10) Fall down in the correct driveway. Sue the owner for "emotional damage".
11) plug myself into a computer. Claim Steve Jobs told me to do it.
12) Try and fly like Superman. Blame the media.
So far, so good. Feel free to add your own, of course. Ooooo...I just won the national lottery of Uruguay! I better go collect my winnings!
Thanks for reading.
The Fat Kid
