Recently, in one of those "around the watercooler" conversations, we were talking about dream jobs. You know, the questions of "If you could do anything you wanted, and pay didn't matter, what would you do?" kind of conversations. It got me really thinking of jobs that might be fun for a little while - not careers, per se, but more like "things I would love to get paid to do." So here's a top-ten list - in no particular order:
1) Color Namer. The person who gets to look at a color of, let's say crayons, and comes up with a name for them. Aside from having to know what obscure things like Mauve and Ecru are, I think this would be fascinating. Can you imagine the conversations?
"It's green."
"But it's not a REAL green."
"It's still Green."
"But it's more like an 'early spring blossom" green than a "true green."
"We can't call it 'true green' - that's a copyright infringement for a lawn care company."
"Right. Grass Green?"
"Kentucky Blue Green?"
"That's confusing. We're talking about kindergarteners here."
"Right. Sorry - I got caught reminiscing about my college art classes for a moment."
"You took art?"
"I was an art history major."
"What does that even mean?"
"No body knows, but you have to really like museums."
"I see. How about Lawn Green?"
"That works, but that's not this green."
"Oh right, but we have to compare it with something, and we're comparing it with a lawn."
"My lawn is brown."
"Now you're confusing the issue."
2) Weatherman in a Desert. Seriously, why do they even have weathermen out there? It's hot. Very hot. Except when it's not, and it becomes merely "warm." That happens what, a few days out of every year? But look on the bright side - you have a really good chance of almost always being correct, which is a heck of a lot better than somewhere forested and humid, where your chance of being right about the weather may be correct, but ten minutes from now, you will be wrong.
3) James Bond Gadget-creator. If there is a job that is more "Hey that would be nifty!" I can't think of it. This is way beyond the spork, kids. This is one of those jobs that has very little downside, other than the you have to wear kevlar all the time. "What does this do?" "Well, it was just going to be a laser-watch, but that was a little too boring, so now it's a laser watch that also has an explosive setting, a garrote, a two-way radio, keeps the pulse of every known world leader, is a phone, a toothbrush, an emergency ice pick, imitates the call of the California Condor, and tells you to pick up milk and bread on the way home." "Does it tell the time?" "No - that part is fake - frankly, we just couldn't fit that part in."
4) Muppet Writer. Plot no longer matters. Make something up, make it explode or get eaten. Cut. Print. NEXT!!!!! (plus, Muppets.)
5) Dog nick-name creator. Your dog has a name. That's cool. It might even be a cool name, like a German Shepherd named "Gorgeous George." But that is not what you call him. No, you've got pet names for your pet. Like WHO didn't see THAT coming, right???? I want to be the guy who gets paid to come up with that nickname for you - all so that you don't have to do the work yourself. That's right - designer pet-names for Fido and Fifi. Boom. Instant Millionaire. I'd be like that guy who invented the pet rock.
6) Rubber ball bounce-tester. One of the greatest toys of all time, the bouncy-ball! No more shall generations of children be deprived of true bounce-happiness! Not while I am on the job!!!!
7) Namer of Product Lines: You know, like Nike Air. Well, not quite - see, Nike has had that for a long time now. To the point where it's really like combining random words to make them sound cool. A new running shoe, for example, might be "Nike Air Pro Edge Slice Combo H7" These words mean nothing, but if it sounds cool, you'll buy it, they are convinced. I'm sure, somewhere, there might be a reason. Maybe the designer's name was Henry, and this is the seventh rendition of the the shoe, so it gets H7 after it - I dunno. But seriously, it looks like they're just tossing words out there.
8) The person at Lego who gets to decide what they are going to try and build. NOT the person who has to figure it out, the person who says, "yes, let's make a Lego Space Shuttle, and sell it for $2,000, because it will be neat."
9) Window washer at the Crystal Cathedral. Your work, on display, every Sunday. And nobody knows you exist. That's kinda bad-ass.
10) Zamboni driver. It even has a song. I mean, you have to be a decent technician, too. It's like maintaining the greens on a golf course....but with ice....and fans.....and hockey players....and ice capades....
Hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it! as always,
Thanks for reading,
Me
