I want to work for JC Penney.

Really, I do. But I don;t want to work just anywhere, no, I want to work making the catalog. What's more, I want to be the guy who gets to name the colors for everything. Seriously! Think about it: What color is anything? I could make it all up!! All I would have to do is get somewhere close to it, and I'm all set! The only job that requires less effort to be correct is a weatherman, but people don't like him. People like the guy that says, "No, that's not a pink shirt in the men's department, it's 'Pale Coral', or 'Salmon'." And Voila! A man buys a pink shirt for himself.
You can make colors sexy: red becomes scarlet, black is midnight, white can be called essence...seriosuly, the possibilities are rather limitless. And that's before you get to standard decorator colors! Green, Blue, and Yellow no longer exist. They are now: Windblown Sage, Ocean's Depth, and Warm Sunshine. Brown? Oh, don't even get me started on the many many shades of brown! From Umber to Sienna, Desert Sand, Smoky Tumbleweed, etc, etc...

And just think, we haven't even approached using "sounds" as descriptors, yet!!! "Harp's Melody"....who the hell cares what the color is, you KNOW some designer will see that , fall in love with it, call it "fabulous" and buy 30 yards of a fabric called "Harp's Melody." Say hello to your new drapes. While we're on the topic of designers, why has no one yet named a color or pattern "Fabulous"????? Just putting it out there.

Equally cool is the guy who gets to name the colors for Crayola. His job's already done for him. You can hear the conversation: Executive - "Hey what color is that? It reminds me of the lipstick left on my collar from the hooker I picked up last weekend." Color-Naming-Guy - "I call it 'Hooker's Lipstick'." Executive - "Wow, you really nailed it!" Color-Naming-Guy - "Just like you!" Both break into fits of uproarious laghter. This guy doesn't even have to think up new names for colors, he just calls them what they look like in real life! And your children use these colors, and like them!!!

And it's so cool, it even gets into the hunting community. Think about it - those neon vests they wear? "Blaze Orange". Why? Because hunters will wear something called "Blaze Orange" and they won't wear something called 'Construction Barrel'. They even have different kinds and patterns of camoflage which they wear with the blaze orange so that only their elbows can be seen!! And someone has to name these patterns. I simply call them: "sticks and leaves over taupe". Which suddenly makes them sound like a piece of art that should be hanging in a museum. Or a piece of something else that should be hanging on a laundry line. You choose.