@#^ My Dad Says...

OK, so no, I'm NOT stealing the title for the blog/TV show/cultural phenomenon that is "@#^ My Dad Says" - which, for the unititiated, really is about all the stuff that this one guy's father says - and it's some pretty funny stuff. Still, though, I must "lovingly lift" the title for at least this one post. Why? BECAUSE MY DAD IS HILARIOUS, that's why.

See, the last entry, in which I stated I was beginning work on a chess set designed by my grandfather - more on this topic later - earned some appreciation from my dad. He liked it. So much so that he printed out copies and sent it to my aunts and uncles (his siblings). Wait, sorry. He had my mother print out copies and send it. THE ENGINEER DIDN'T USE E-MAIL. Clearly, the planets are out of alignment.

In any case, he now asks my mother every day whether there are new banterings from me. He's now even suggesting topics for me to ramble on about, anxious to hear my take on them. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand - right about now, I imagine he's regretting doing that! Well, one of the topics he wanted to read about was the "Big Red Button" episode. You asked for it, Dad, so here it is.

My father has a love/hate relationship with TV. More specifically, with the cable company. It really doesn't much matter which cable company, I've noticed - just "The Cable Company" in general, whichever one it might be. This really came to light when they switched off of analog broadcasting a couple years ago. Dad was convinced he had to get a new TV. Now, the old one was pretty old, but he didn't have to replace it. Flat screen/plasma TV - check. Done. So then he discovers that he kind of likes the picture, the aspect ratio, yadda, yadda, yadda - ok, no problems.

Well, The Cable Company then proceeds to tell him that they've got a new box for him. Uh -oh. Another device. With a new remote. ATTN: CABLE COMPANY: STOP CHANGING YOUR REMOTES! There are early adaptors to new things, and there are luddites, and there's a very wide scale of grey in between. Dad is somewhere in the grey area...possibly bordering on dark grey - it kind of depends on how much his curiosity is piqued. So my brother is the first to give this new box a try. He has no luck, because the service number that it says to call is manned by someone who is, for lack of a better term, "moronically advanced." The next day, Dad tries again, and this time, the device starts working. And there was much rejoicing. Yay.

BUT, there's no menu/instruction booklet/anything at all useful about HOW TO USE THE NEW REMOTE. So he fumbles a little and gets a bit frustrated. Then I ask for the remote. Luckily - and he gets a lot of credit on this one - he has no problems in giving up the remote at all. Even to my mother. Yes ladies, there's a guy out there like that, and he's already taken. You'll just have to deal with the rest of us - sorry. So Dad hands me the remote. I have seen this remote before. I know where things are on it, and before long, I've found the menus, gotten through it, and have a pretty rudimentary but working knowledge of how this doohickey (technical term there) works.

Instantly, the questions begin:
"How did you do that?"
"What's that?"
"What does this mean?"
"Where did you find that?"
"There are music channels?"
Oh boy...here we go. OK, I show him how to navigate the guide listings, the menus, etc. I show him where to find the music channels - he's really excited about these, because he wants to hook them up to the house-speakers so he can pipe music to every room in the house (we managed to get that done eventually...gotta admit, it's pretty sweet).

Then, it's time to turn things off. Well, there's my dady, sitting in his chair, 3-4 remotes surrounding him, and a look of "Now what?" on his face...but he is GOING to tackle this issue! So he starts hitting buttons, shutting off each and every device/componant off, and the following conversation occurs.

"Whew! You have to have a degree just to turn this stuff on and off!"
Mom nods and smiles.
"Are you sure, Dad?"
"Everything has it's own remote! But I've figured something out - they put buttons for each device on the remote, too - you still have to hit a lot of buttons, but you can turn them all on and off!"
Mom is now on the verge of tears from laughter.
"Or, you know, you could try the big red button in the middle that says "All On.""
(Dad stops and looks)
(I step up and hit the Big Red Button...all devices turn on.)
"How did you do that?"
"The Big Red Button."
"Big Red Button?"
"Yes, this one. It's big, it's red."
"Oh. Well, I've never had a big red button before."

Next time, I'm going to put the parental block on the Weather Channel and see what happens.

Love ya, Dad!!!!

Thanks for reading.

The Fat Kid

P.S. I almost forgot - 8 black pawns created for the chess set thus far. Not bad for a week's work!