USCG #2 Approved Wearable Flotation Device....

The tale you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty and make fun of the imbecilic.

SO, this past weekend, my roommate and I "kidnapped" a buddy and took him on an excursion that he would never have planned himself. This excursion involved whisking this buddy, herein referred to as "Boo-Boo," off to parts unknown for a "guys' weekend" of camping, fishing, telling stories and other such things. Understand that if we tell Boo-Boo what we're doing, he will say "no," and our plans will all be for naught. This is based out of a desire to help Boo-Boo, who has expressed a strong desire to hang out and do "guy things." So camping it is!

Thursday:
Captain Caveman (me) and Colonel Carnivore (roomie) go and pick up a canoe from Col. Carnivore's friend Merlin. No problems. We go to borrow a vehicle that can fit The Colonel, The Caveman and the Short Bear...it doesn't have the right sized ball hitch to carry the trailer with the canoe. A minor setback. While out, we take care of the fishin license issue (almost forgot that) and we are good to go. We load everything into the vehicle and the three of us are off to a PA State Park in the middle of nowhere, canoe in tow. Mind you, this canoe is lecensed and has been used under the supervision of a current PA DCNR (Dept. of Conservation and Natural Resources) boating and angling official, as currently as two weeks ago. Keep this in mind, it will come in handy later.

We get to the camp, set up Col. Carnivore's giant portable Hilton, and I stay and finish setting up the camp while the other two go out for groceries and necessities. We've scrounged for some firewood and things are going rather smoothly thus far. Boo-Boo, being a novice camper, purchases a little too much food, but not to worry. These kinds of mistakes happen when you're new to camping, besides, he DID do well in purchasing the libations. Kudos, Boo-Boo.

Thursday passes into Friday, and all is good. The first day.

Friday:
The Caveman, the Carnivore and Boo-Boo wake up, and Boo-Boo is instructed as to how to make breakfast over a campfire. Pretty neat stuff. The day is looking nice, and we're now ready to set about the events for the day. We decide a conoe trip is in order. Now, this state park has a good-sized lake (300 acres) so we start paddling around. Col. Carnivore is steering in the back, Capt. Caveman is supplying power up front, and Boo-Boo is in the middle, surveying the scenery and, from what he reports, having a nice time of it. All is right in the world. A three-hour tour (not the same as the S.S. Minnow) finds us hankering for some lunch, so we disembark. Successful trip!

Now, however, we realize that we have to take care of getting Boo-Boo a fishing license, so we all go into town, procure this and a couple small things, and we're good to go. Still, the trip takes a little while, and when we come back, it's relaxing, cook some dinner, and get ready to do a little evening fishing. If you have ever taught a small child to fish, you know how difficult it CAN be. This, while considerably less difficult, was not without a few snags (oh yes, pun intended.) Still, I believe we all caught a little something that night, although small sunfish and bluegill are hardly worth reporting as a "catch." But they're fun to toy with on the end of a fly line. No, I was the only one with the fly rod, we did not tempt fate with this one.

It gets dark, we light a fire. Many props to Col. Carnivore, who did most of the firetending for the weekend. Who says pyromania is a bad thing? Friday passes into Saturday and all is good. The second day.

Saturday:
Slow to wake, even though we really didn't consume too many of our ENTIRELY LEGAL libations the previous evening. Breakfast, morning chores at a campsite, that kind of thing. We decide to hit the water for some fishing in the spots we found the previous day. No problem. The Carnivore and the Caveman hoist the trailer about, hook it all up, etc, and we're off. OK, now it should be said here that while boating, we've not been entirely as safe as we could be. We had three people, and only two flotation devices. In our defense, though, the Carnivore used to be a lifeguard, and the Caveman can swim pretty well in his own right. Boo-Boo can swim, and we know we'd give him the two flotation devices (USCG #4 non-wearable flotation device.) So, while it's not perfect, we know we're covered. So, we're fishing in a boat (Boo-Boo DOES learn pretty fast) two of us with spin cast reels, and I with my fly rod (yep, flyfishing from a canoe, I am the master of the silly....again). After not too long of this, Boo-Boo has had enough, and would like to be put to shore. The Carnivore and the Caveman, however want to catch some dinner. "Give it to us r-r-r-r-raw, and wr-r-r-r-igling!" is our motto.
This could be the error. Minus the weight of a third person, the canoe moves pretty fast, now, and we wisk our way across the lake.

And we are suddenly in Mayberry. That's right, Barney Fife, member of the DCNR Seasonal Lifeguard, Angling and Boating Brigade, is there with his high-tech bi-noc-YOO-lars and spots us. Our speedy canoing must be causing too much of a wake. He sends his assistant, Gomer Pyle, DCNR, SLABB, after us in the ONLY GAS-POWERED BOAT ALLOWED ON THE LAKE. Also important to know, because it is the only boat that CAN create a wake in which canoers might have difficulty. Gomer comes over and asks to see our fishing licenses, which we gladly produce. He then says, "Where are your life vests" and we say "We're sitting on them." and point to the USCG #4 Non-Wearable Flotation Devices currently keeping our posteriors from aching on the aluminum seats of the canoe. "You have to have a USCG #2 Wearable Floatation Device for all watercraft." Uh-oh. "I'm going to have to escort you back." Oh, crap.

Now, I am all for the DCNR doing their duty, and I appreciate that it is their job to keep everyone safe. And yes, I get the fact that most boating accidents happen to small watercraft operators. So, ok, we have to go back to port. We offer no resistance to the officer, and do as he requests. After all, we don't want to cause trouble. We're not those guys, ninety percent of the time. So we get back to port. At this point, we overhear the greatest thing ever out of the mouth of Gomer Pyle: "Yeah, I'm going to need backup, these guys are pretty hardcore."

This is when we get to meet Barney Fife for the first time. Barney shows up, and it's suddenly the DCNR Gestapo, because, you know, we're "hardcore." Gomer has decided to put the operator of the vehicle as the Carnivore, and so I am getting all of the stuff out of the boat to bring it ashore. Part of our tackle is a hatchet - in case we catch a snapping turtle - because none of us were going top put our hands anywhere NEAR a beastie like that. Gomer tells the Carnivore that he can go about cleaning up the gear with me while he (Gomer) fills out paperwork. The Carnivore picks up the hatchet and Barney now feels it necessary to assert his aw-thor-i-TIE by lifting up the leg the has the .357 holstered to it, and show off the "piece." It should be stated, too, that Barney's holster was being worn - get this - BACKWARDS!!! Yep, he's a "real" cop (more on this later).

At this point, Gomer insists on seeing a second form of ID, insisting it's required (not true, it was not a motorized vehicle). The Carnivore complies, though - like I said, we don't like to cause trouble most of the time. Gomer is at least nice enough to inform us that we've been civil, and if it stays that way, this whole ordeal will be a lot less painful and he'll be happy. I actually think that Gomer was just ticked at having to take the boat out and be forced from the comfy air-conditioned office. Barney, after all, is all about the business end of things. Him and his backwards .357. Wehn all is done, we're about to pull the canoe out of the way, when Gomer goes and moves it aside so he can back down and Barney (they've switched places now) pulls the boat onto the trailer. I apologize for having been in their way and he says, "It's no big deal, he just has to get to work," indicating Barney. WHAT???? No kidding that he wasn't a real cop before, now he's not even a full-time fake cop????????

The best are the guys in the boat/ USCG #2 Approved Wearable Flotation Device rental station. I go to check on the prices of these things, and Tweedle Dee says "What's going on?" I explain and he says, "I'd have told him to 'bite me.'" I explain that it's probably not worth however much cash, and his partner, Tweedle Dum, says "Yeah, if you wanna go out or anything later, just come see us - we'll hook you up, don't worry about it." He then proceeds to hand me one, saying, "This one got left here a few weeks ago, you can just have it." It has the name "Seth" on the back of it. Nice guys, those boat jockeys. We never went back to see the Tweedles.

Long story short (too late) the Carnivore gets slapped with an $85.00 fine for not having a USCG #2 Approved Wearable Flotation Device...in the same boat the two weeks earlier, marshalled by the same department, passed on a RIVER with the USCG#4 Approved Non-Wearable Flotation Devices. According the Gomer and Barney - who first told us they knew all the officers in the state, and then said they didn't know all the officers in the state - swore no one in the DCNR would do such a thing.

So we went back and consumed the rest of our ENTIRELY LEGAL beverages.

Saturday passed into Sunday, and it was good. The third day.

Sunday, we packed up and took off for home. No incidents worth mentioning.

All in all, a great trip. Much fun had. Good stories to tell. This might become a yearly thing.....and then again, it might not. Not sure on that yet.

Thanks for reading.

The Fat Kid.