If you like movies, it's hard to not get excited about the Academy Awards - you know, the Oscars. To me, it's always about the story, and transporting yourself into that other world that only exists on film, and allowing it to fill you up for a couple of hours. But, back to the topic.
Last night, I got excited to tune in to the Oscars - something which rarely happens. Usually, I find out the day after that they were broadcast the previous evening. But I actually caught the whole program last night, for a change, and there are a few things that caught my attention:
1) Botox. JUST SAY NO. Whether it was Joan Rivers' plasticity-ridden everything on the red carpet, or Billy Crystal's immovable face on stage, this stuff is bad ju-ju. OK, maybe in the strange little world that is Hollywood, it's OK to be that fake, but for the rest of us, this is a horrible visage. Academy, here's a rule: since you're breaking the bubble and letting the rest of us in for one night, can you maybe choose someone to host who's not so full of plastic that he looks like a Jeff Dunham doll?
2) ALL OF THOSE SOUND ENGINEERS IN THE BUILDING, AND YOU CAN'T GET THE MICROPHONES WORKING CORRECTLY??? Epic Fail, Academy. Epic Fail. Whomever you hired to do the soundcheck sucks.
3) Stop editing the comedians. Billy Crystal is funnier than that. Let him go and have fun up there. I don't mind the horrid monologue, and the REALLY bad montage at the beginning, and I can even look past the bad singing. But seriously - let him be crass and crude - that's when he's funniest. This is supposed to be a night of good-natured ribbing, laughing at themselves and honoring the select few. It was more than obvious that you held back your emcee.
4) THANK YOU for going a little old-school last night. Indeed, the last few years seem to be involved with Hollywood trying to get back to the golden age of film, and I, for one, couldn't be happier. But I've noticed a bit of a trend. You're finally starting to honor good film-making, not just super-budget films full of craziness. While I rarely see any of the films that are actually nominated (we'll get to that in a second) at least you're starting to get back to good story-telling.
5) NOW, there's only one more step: The reason I don't watch many films in the theatres is that, quite frankly, you're charging too much and not entertaining me for enough time. I wouldn't mind paying so much if I was guaranteed at least 120 minutes of film footage to watch. If you want to get back to good, quality film-making, then you have to stop with this ridiculous 90-minute film thing. Ninety minutes is an ABC Sunday Night movie - with time for commercials to fill up a two hour timeslot. There you go - the perfect medium for it. It does not belong in the theatres. Movies are supposed to be "showing off." the first rule of showing off is that when you do it, do it all the way - don't ever hold back. Tell a proper story - don't cut the corners...THRILL your audiences again with the power of a GREAT script, not a mediocre one full of soundbites and explosions.
6) AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, STOP WITH THE DAMNED SEQUELS TO CRAPPY ACTION MOVIES. In fact, stop ALL sequels unless it's a case where there are actually multiple books, etc out in a series. (Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Star Trek, etc only work because there are multiple volumes of text from which to derive film.....The Fast and the Furious 5...not so much.)
7) Also - stop remaking films - particularly classic films. By doing so, you're really saying, "Wow, this film sucks, so we're going to try and fix it." No. Do honor to your own industry by innovating, not just rehashing the same old thing.
8) cast an unknown to emcee the Oscars...I respectfully submit my name for the job. I can provide character witnesses - many people are convinced I'm a character.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
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