Older...not so much wiser...

In what now seems like a lifetime ago, the Fat Kid used to play hihg school sports. Well, ok, for two years, I played one high school sport - Men's Volleyball. Yeah, in Central New York, Volleyball is a mne's sport AND a women's sport...only the men's season runs from the end of January through most of March. It's a winter sport, which means it's played indoors. For those who consider volleyball to only consist of beaches and Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh in sport bikinis - the indoor game is quite a lot different.

1) speed - it's a lot faster.
2) ceilings - they suck, but it's a heck of a limiter
3) the sand is forgiving when you land on it (we'll come back to this point)
4) 6 people per side, not 2
5) no sport bikinis (for men's volleyball, this is an excellent idea)

Now, the problem with playing any sport on an organized team is that, innevitably, the coach of said sport drills certain ideas into your head that you cannot shake, no matter what. This is where the Fat Kid gets into trouble. Oh, there's nothing wrong with those principles, mind you - it's just that those principles are not conducive to the pain-free lifestyle that I would prefer living.

Principle 1: the ball better not hit the floor unless three bodies hit first. Remember that bit about how sand is forgiving when you crash into it? Yeah, gymnasium floors...not so much. In fact, a gymnasium floor tends to be quite a bit harder than flesh. One might even say that the floor hits back.

Principle 2: the height of the ball (in feet off the ground) is exactly the same as the number of feet you can travel to get to it before it hits the ground. Of course, this does not take the speed at which the ball may be traveling - sometimes a crucial element - or the angle at which it is moving.

Principle 3: The ball is more important than the well-being of the physical self. And THAT's the one that's hardest to shake, probably because it is the most warped of them all. Bruises heal. Pain is momentary, fleeting. Victory....victory is forever.

Of course, these priciples, when you are 15-18 yrs old, are sound theory. Practice follows theory to produce victory, and through victories, the team achieves glory. It is awesome. When you are a teenager. When you are a thirty-something guy nursing a bum calf muscle...these principles are still cool, but the ability to practice them and produce victory and attain glory...well, that is another matter entirely.

So last night, I went to what I am calling the League of Somewhat Ordinary Gentlemen - 30-40-somethings intent on recapturing former glories. There, I promptly tried to play the way I used to, utilizing all the principles I'd been taught so many years ago. Theory into practice, producing victories (although not many) and achieving glory...SCREW THAT. What did I get for my efforts? The heel of my left hand is tender, right thumb is bruised, left calf muscle is tighter than blazes and screaming at me any time I move my leg, right shoulder is painful to move, upper back is sore, and lower left side of my back is stiff and sore, too.

Why did I do this? Because - it's the only way I know how to play. Thanks, Coach. You forgot to mention Principle 4: Tylenol, Advil, drug stores, ace bandages, wrist and ankle braces, and ice packs are my friends.

Thanks for reading,

The Fat Kid