Today, I read an exposition a friend of mine wrote, on the passing of his mother (RIP). It reminded me of something I heard once, a long time ago, and perhaps I need to be reminded again: Grieving is good. It's certainly never fun and never our first choice - it's probably not even in our top 100 choices. And yet, it's good. The loss itself - heartbreaking. And that's why we, as humans, have the capacity to grieve.
My friend wondered the same thing we all do: 'What could I have done differently, or better?" "What did I miss?" "How did I not see?" These are questions I know that I have faced in my own life, and I wish that I could tell you I have all the answers to them. But I don't. I don't think I'm even close to the answers for some of them. And, as much as we like and offer platitudes of, "He/She is in a better place," "They are no longer suffering," or even "It's better this way," the fact is simply that while the person/ situation is gone, there is still a profound feeling of loss that we experience. While those platitudes are true, we forget the one thing that is even more a necessary part of the equation: "I am still here, and I am suffering now."
And all we want in that moment is an escape - a way to not feel all the things we're feeling. Some people turn to their work, some to a bottle, or pills, or reckless behavior, and some sink into a depression that takes time - sometimes many years - to heal. Some never fully recover. It's sad, but true. And our society doesn't help us one bit - we're encouraged to put on a brave face, to bury the pain, to "just get over it," and "move on, already." This is the cold, hard logic that has taken over our thinking, and it's wrong.
No, it's not "wrong" in the sense that if you look at the logical facts, they are incorrect. Events happen, even unpleasant ones. I say it's wrong because when we do that, we are automatically discounting the essence of what it means to be alive. We bury it, we push it down, we hide it - all for the sake of "getting over it," which cannot be done. In the case of the death of a loved one - you do not get over anything. You simply learn a new way to live, without that person's presence. This is the purpose of grieving. It's an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to become a more whole person. Sometimes, it means looking at the loss and seeing the good things the person or situation presented to your life, and sometimes, it means seeing the bad things, too.
Lately, in my own soul-searching, I've looked back a lot at the pattern of events in my life, and I've come to a few unpleasant discoveries, some things I've repressed and put down because that's what was needed at the time, and I couldn't even begin to comprehend how to deal with them, As it turns out, I've never faced them. I've never grieved for the loss, and some of it still haunts me. One in particular comes to mind, when I was forced to grow up much more quickly than I should have. Without naming names - a health problem affected my family when I was in high school - and we were forced to stretch ourselves pretty thin in order to take care of it. The upshot was that I was left to take care of a bunch of household tasks, chores, etc that shouldn't have been mine. I shouldn't have HAD to deal with those things. Now, I DON'T BLAME ANYONE. In fact, it's one of my proudest times, because my family pulled together and made it through. My efforts were a large part of that, and that's just fine. But it doesn't change the fact that it was a traumatic experience for all of us - and I've only just recently realized this, and that I never have grieved for the loss of my awkward teen times of that era.
Now, if that doesn't seem like a really silly thing to grieve for, I don't know what does!! But, regardless of how silly it may sound (and really, who WANTS to get those awkward teen times back??) It's still a form of grieving, and I had never done it until recently. There's no one to blame - so there's no point in that. It was simply a rough situation, and it landed on us. And now, a little over 20 years later, I've finally called it what it really was: a trauma. I've made my peace with it, with what I've lost, and recognized it for what I gained as well. To say it wasn't "fair" is moot - but repressing it for so long, even though I couldn't really comprehend that's what I was doing, was me being unfair to me, and not allowing myself to grieve naturally, as I am built to do.
So to my friend, who said he doesn't want to hear a bunch of "I'm so sorry" comments, I say simply: Allow yourself to grieve, and do not apologize for it. Do not hesitate to honor the part of you that needs to heal and grow and learn. We are made to grieve. We are built for it. We owe it to ourselves to take however much time we need. Maybe you will find the answers to those questions that haunt you. Maybe you will find peace without those answers. I don't know. I only know that grieving is a good thing, and it's necessary.
Thanks for reading,
Me
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