Wow - what is this??? Where is the black background? What is this bright-colored strangeness? Where is that all-familiar title? I don't understand!!!!!
Yeah, I know. I'm going to explain something to you. You might want to sit down - this is going to be a bumpy ride.
First, the name change. No more Fat Kid. Of course, I've always been large-boned, husky, solid, and yeah, I was fat, too. When I started this blog, I was fat. And weak. and I was very much a child, emotionally. The name made sense, and it was funny, and for the few Masquers who were around for that time period, "The Fat Kid" is an in-joke that lets us remember fond times.
But the thing is, it was a reflection of how I saw myself. I looked at the imperfections of me, and made my identity reflect those imperfections. I wore it proudly, and put on the "brave face" and laughed at those who told me, "But you're not fat!" saying, "Once a fat kid, always a fat kid." That's not true. To believe that it is true is to believe we cannot change, and we cannot grow. It is to believe that there is nothing greater than what we are right now - and if we believe there is nothing greater, then we cannot become it.
I have spent a lifetime in hiding. I've hidden who I am from the one person who needed to know it: me. I've run from the responsibility to do my best because I am worth it, to pursue the things in life that I want and need because I need and want them, and to accept all that I am and all that I am capable of. And frankly, I am capable of a lot. It's taken me a long time to recognize that. I could sit here and call myself a dumbass because it took me so long a time to discover it - but that's part of the problem. That's what the Fat Kid would do. And I can't do that anymore.
Now....onto making a better me. It means I'm going to have to drag up some pretty old stuff - some of which I told myself didn't matter, and some of which I never really considered a problem in the first place. Most of it will be bringing it up so I can simply let it go. Some will be tougher, I think. There's a lot there to deal with, and working on me is going to take some time. Finally, I'm in a place to do all the work that's necessary - and I want to do that work. It's actually the continuation of a process that started with a visit to the darkest place I've ever been.
This is the tough part. Many of you won't like reading this, and I don't blame you. I'm not that fond of it myself. Several years ago, my life was falling apart around me. Nothing made sense. I found myself standing in my workshop, a chisel in one hand, blade pointed at my wrist. In my other hand I held the mallet - to make sure I could reach. The plan was to wrap/tie myself up in plastic sheets, so there would be less mess to pick up. There would be no note. Nothing. And it all seemed perfectly logical at that time. It even felt right - because when you're in that place, everything is upside-down, from your thoughts to your feelings. I had a friend who made sure I never hit that chisel. Someone who made me accountable for a short time - but it was enough time. Not a scar exists on me from that place of darkness.
Since that moment, I have been rebuilding me - but I was doing it by trying to reclaim that which I'd lost. I wasn't focused on trying to grow, and make me a better me. I was trying to aspire to a vision, a place that I thought I should be, that would be my idyllic world. Parts of that vision were (and are) correct. But, only parts of it. The truth is that vision limited me, and held me back. There was no room in it to grow beyond a certain point. I've reached that point, and now it's time to redefine the vision.
It's going to mean a lot of honest soul-searching, and I've already started some of that. It's going to mean exploring some new areas of my life, and letting some old ones fade away. I don't regret them - they simply aren't helping me move forward. Forward is where I need to go.
This doesn't mean I'll stop riding - far from it. I won't stop writing - I love that just as much. But it does mean that what I write probably won't be comfortable to read. It probably won't be comfortable to write, either, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be said. What it means is that I can't let fear, perceptions, misconceptions, and other things stand in my way. And they won't.
Thanks for reading,
Me
"The old rules are crumbling, and nobody knows what the new rules are. So, make up your own rules." - Neil Gaiman
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