Look out world - in just a few days' time, you're probably not going to see that much of me for a month. Busy, busy, busy. So, in light of some recent events and the fact that you'll be without my rambling sentences for a while (was that a collective sigh of relief I just heard?) I thought I'd give you one more little snippet before I disappear.
I am changing my name to Cyrano de Bergerac. No, my nose is not obnoxious, nor do I plan on rhinoplasty to make it that way. No, I cannot wield a sword to save my life. However, when a young friend of mine comes up to me today and says simply, "So what are the rules for taking someone out on a dinner-date?" Well, I think I've made my mark as the "hidden somewhere in the shadows voice/puppetmaster" So, I gave him the rules. Thankfully, I was not actually asked to feed the correct words to him, and he should have enough wisdom to find them on his own - he's a pretty bright chap, after all. But the essence is the same: I was asked to supply the method and means for this guy to....never mind. I don't wanna know ANY of the details.
But I KNOW you're all dying to hear just what I told this young fella. So here you go - the rules for a first date/dinner!!!!!!!
There are two basic rules, and only two basic goals.
GOAL #1: Make sure the lady in question has an excellent time.
GOAL #2: Make sure the lady in question wants to have a SECOND excellent time.
Anything else that happens - be it from the mundane to the....not so mundane - is extra. Gravy. Not necessary, but welcome. A happy accident. A natural awesome. The goals are simple, and they should never get you into trouble. If things don't work out and become anything, she still had a nice time and will have no reason to say anything bad about you. This protects your reputation. If things do work out for the better, then it achieves the goal of getting the second date. EITHER WAY, SHE WILL TELL HER FRIENDS. If these goals are met, you simply can't lose.
Now, how does one accomplish these goals??? By following the two basic rules, of course! These are fairly broad rules, and you can probably argue that there are quite a number of specific rules buried inside each one, but for the guys...it's easier to just dumb this down to two overarching rules. Gents, we work better with small numbers, face it.
RULE#1)ALWAYS BE A GENTLEMAN.
RULE#2)lET HER SET THE PACE.
See? Simple but broad rules. They are designed only to meet the goals previously stated, but can often achieve much more. Of course, the implications of each are enough to fill volumes, but they still come back to being a gentleman and letting her set the pace. Yes, following these rules and goals can be painstakingly slow, at times, but they offer you the best chance at long-term and short-term success. In these days of instant gratification and electronic media, there's something to be said for a person who knows how to take it slow and invest his time and effort into another person. It's called "Intimacy," and it's not a dirty word. It shows the other person that you value them, that their needs and deisres matter to you, and that it doesn't have to be all about you. It's about respect, after all.
On an aside to the ladies. These rules and goals? You should insist upon them.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
One week to go...
WOOOO!!!!! One week to go until NaNoWriMo, and the Fat Kid is gettin' excited!! Almost all my planning is done for this work - a rare thing, as it's usually not my style to plan ahead. A lot of the thinking is done...and I have been itching to write for about two weeks - but I'm not allowed to start it yet!!!!!
So for the next week, if I become a little more prolific in my writing, then you can assume it's me exercising my fingers just to get them in the mood to write 1700 words a day! I'm hoping that the first couple of days, when I get some of my ideas out of my head, that I will be well ahead of the game, but we'll have to see about that. There's really no telling how that's going to work itself out, other than to just do it and see what happens.
But, much of the scene planning done - I just have a little bit left to work out and then I should be good to go. It's a matter of sitting down and actually doing it, that's all. So here I am, my head full of stuff I can write, stuff I want to write, and.....I'm not allowed to write it yet! I'm not sure there is a worse fate for a writer.
So for the next week, if I become a little more prolific in my writing, then you can assume it's me exercising my fingers just to get them in the mood to write 1700 words a day! I'm hoping that the first couple of days, when I get some of my ideas out of my head, that I will be well ahead of the game, but we'll have to see about that. There's really no telling how that's going to work itself out, other than to just do it and see what happens.
But, much of the scene planning done - I just have a little bit left to work out and then I should be good to go. It's a matter of sitting down and actually doing it, that's all. So here I am, my head full of stuff I can write, stuff I want to write, and.....I'm not allowed to write it yet! I'm not sure there is a worse fate for a writer.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Writings and rambling and rantings, Oh my!!
Good news, kids...With National Novel Writing Month quickly approaching (and seriously, they should really think about finding a month without a huge holiday in it) plans are well underway for the 50,000 word challenge. Yes, for those playing along at home, that's 1,667 words per day - the equivelant of a short essay. And that's not just five days a week, mind you, that EVERY day of November. Never fear, kids - I know how how to ramble on about seemingly unimportant things to be able to fill up a bit of space - or haven't you been reading closely? The key to doing something like this is to take it slowly. No, not the process of writing, but the plot and events of the story itself. If I take the time to let the story develop as it shouold, then I imagine that I'm probably looking at something akin to 100,000 to 130,000 words in order to tell the story I have in mind. No, if I can get THAT done in November, I'll be damned impressed with myself.
But if a story is that easy to tell in words, why can't we use the same thing for film?? Just slow it down and tell the whole story - leave nothing out. How hard is this to do? OK, it's a different medium, and you're going to "lose time" on the fact that things are visual - it's an instant communication, and all the words that take up six paragraphs describing the weather can be told in a split second. OK, that's the medium there, not the writing. It's not like a good story (and good story-telling) won't sell - look at Harry Potter. HUGE successes, and they never really scrimp on the storylines. They might eliminate a couple of things that don't really add to the movie experience, but each one of those films kept in mind the idea that you can never skip steps when telling a story. You have to hit all the plot points! You can't skip them - particularly when it involves falling in love (yeah, I'm looking at you, Kenneth Branagh and Joss Whedon, dirctors of this summer's "Thor").
Thus, there must be some ground rules posted for film.
The Fat Kid's Rules for American Cinema.
1) Thou shalt never sumbit American audiences to a film that runs under two hours, except in cases of childrens' movies or documentaries.
2) A character needs at least 4 "movie days" to fall completely in love with another character, otherwise, they just wanna get in the sack. Exceptions for productions of Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde, where it's understood they all just wanna get in the sack anyway.
3) I don't care how many explosions you use, Michael Bay, if the lines are bad, the movie is bad. Period.
4) THOU SHALT NOT REMAKE FILMS THAT WERE PERFECT THE FIRST TIME THROUGH. (AHEM: Producers of the latest "Footloose" film, are you paying attention?) If you want to remake something, remake a movie that bombed and rescue it from being the next "Ishtar" or "Gigli".
5) Thou shalt NEVER scrimp on the minutest of details when making a superhero movie. Please - the damned stories are already weak enough, and you have to get the two hours of run-time in anyway...just put the scenes in!
6) Thou shalt not remove scenes from the film that were put in the trailor. We'd rather see what we're getting than feel you've lied to us.
7) Thou shalt resist the temptation to animate/cgi everything and likewise shall resist the dreaded 3-D concept. It's on a FLAT screen. It's only two dimensional. Sorry, but it's the truth.
8) Thou shalt refrain from putting every female starlet in revealing outfits unless it is dictated by the role (example: Megan Fox in "Transformers" - shorts were completely unnecessary, we already understand that she's pretty). There are simply NOT that many stories about "working girls" out there. Stop it. It's called "style" and "class" and you need to get some.
9) There shalt be no more than a trilogy for all films. I'm sorry, but the same plot device being told 10-12 times is lame.
10) IF YOU CANNOT MAKE A GOOD FILM OUT OF SOMETHING WITHOUT ALTERING OR ELIMINATING CRUCIAL STORY THREADS, SELL THE SCRIPT TO A TV STUDIO THAT CAN. Case in Point: HBO's "Game of Thrones" was an excellent method of telling an epic story, and they did it well.
11) When adapting from a work of literature (fiction or non-fiction matters not) the Author of the book has final script approval. It's their story, not yours. Shut up and tell their story.
12) Writers write, actors act, directors direct....Producers just throw money around. I don't care if you're Spielberg or Lucas. Know your roles, do not cross them.
If you continue to demand simply crazy prices to watch your films, then I believe we're entitled to look at something worth watching. Thank you, that is all.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
But if a story is that easy to tell in words, why can't we use the same thing for film?? Just slow it down and tell the whole story - leave nothing out. How hard is this to do? OK, it's a different medium, and you're going to "lose time" on the fact that things are visual - it's an instant communication, and all the words that take up six paragraphs describing the weather can be told in a split second. OK, that's the medium there, not the writing. It's not like a good story (and good story-telling) won't sell - look at Harry Potter. HUGE successes, and they never really scrimp on the storylines. They might eliminate a couple of things that don't really add to the movie experience, but each one of those films kept in mind the idea that you can never skip steps when telling a story. You have to hit all the plot points! You can't skip them - particularly when it involves falling in love (yeah, I'm looking at you, Kenneth Branagh and Joss Whedon, dirctors of this summer's "Thor").
Thus, there must be some ground rules posted for film.
The Fat Kid's Rules for American Cinema.
1) Thou shalt never sumbit American audiences to a film that runs under two hours, except in cases of childrens' movies or documentaries.
2) A character needs at least 4 "movie days" to fall completely in love with another character, otherwise, they just wanna get in the sack. Exceptions for productions of Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde, where it's understood they all just wanna get in the sack anyway.
3) I don't care how many explosions you use, Michael Bay, if the lines are bad, the movie is bad. Period.
4) THOU SHALT NOT REMAKE FILMS THAT WERE PERFECT THE FIRST TIME THROUGH. (AHEM: Producers of the latest "Footloose" film, are you paying attention?) If you want to remake something, remake a movie that bombed and rescue it from being the next "Ishtar" or "Gigli".
5) Thou shalt NEVER scrimp on the minutest of details when making a superhero movie. Please - the damned stories are already weak enough, and you have to get the two hours of run-time in anyway...just put the scenes in!
6) Thou shalt not remove scenes from the film that were put in the trailor. We'd rather see what we're getting than feel you've lied to us.
7) Thou shalt resist the temptation to animate/cgi everything and likewise shall resist the dreaded 3-D concept. It's on a FLAT screen. It's only two dimensional. Sorry, but it's the truth.
8) Thou shalt refrain from putting every female starlet in revealing outfits unless it is dictated by the role (example: Megan Fox in "Transformers" - shorts were completely unnecessary, we already understand that she's pretty). There are simply NOT that many stories about "working girls" out there. Stop it. It's called "style" and "class" and you need to get some.
9) There shalt be no more than a trilogy for all films. I'm sorry, but the same plot device being told 10-12 times is lame.
10) IF YOU CANNOT MAKE A GOOD FILM OUT OF SOMETHING WITHOUT ALTERING OR ELIMINATING CRUCIAL STORY THREADS, SELL THE SCRIPT TO A TV STUDIO THAT CAN. Case in Point: HBO's "Game of Thrones" was an excellent method of telling an epic story, and they did it well.
11) When adapting from a work of literature (fiction or non-fiction matters not) the Author of the book has final script approval. It's their story, not yours. Shut up and tell their story.
12) Writers write, actors act, directors direct....Producers just throw money around. I don't care if you're Spielberg or Lucas. Know your roles, do not cross them.
If you continue to demand simply crazy prices to watch your films, then I believe we're entitled to look at something worth watching. Thank you, that is all.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Hope Springs Eternal
Recently, the Fat Kid has been criticised (shock, gasp!) for being - if you can believe it - too positive. Now, to those of you who have known me for years, including my wild and checkered past of negativity and Eeyore-induced melancholy, you're either about be completely blown away by this, or you will suddenly have a conversion of faith - perhaps even both. Yes, I have been accused of being too positive, of possessing too much hope, faith in humanity, good-naturedness, happiness, and even joy. Specifically, I have been told that it is a waste of my time, and I am deluded. I have been told that love, happiness, contentedness, and good things do not exist, and that my outlook on life should be pitied.
I am fortunate enough to have friends and loved ones who - even through the years of "ho-hum, thanks for noticing" claptrap I would utter - found ways to show they cared...often amidst my strong objections. They celebrated my birthday when I told them not to. They said "good morning" even when they knew my standard response was, "What's good about it?" They stuck with me through thick and thin, no matter how many times I tried to stand alone, aloof, and apart from the rest of the crowd. They didn't give up on me, even when I'd given up on myself, and I am a better man because of it.
At no time has this been made more clear to me than in the last few weeks. I was lucky enough to meet someone who was the very reflection of what I used to be: afraid to share, to give of myself, to let people touch my life and affect me, to be open and honest with who I am, and show off my best qualities. I was also lucky enough to see a friend make a decision to change her very life, and dare to dream again, to take a risk and say "Damn the risk! This thing is good, I deserve it, I want it, and even if it means I get hurt, I'll do it anyway!" And then, that same person said to me, "You never gave up on me, when I was giving up on myself."
It was, in a word, humbling. And then I was accused of wasting my life and time and energy on being poisitve when there was no point. To that, I say simply (and I think appropriately, too) Bullshit. To hope, to dream, to evision something that doesn't yet exist is to bring out the best elements in yourself, and maybe, if you're lucky, you'll help someone else out along the way. You might not even know you're doing it, but a kind word or smile, a simple cheery hello, anything at all can brighten someone's day. It makes a difference. That is never a waste.
There is nothing else like Man on this planet. Sure, we have our faults. We pollute, we waste resources, we kill, we steal, we're selfish, we're bigoted, we're rude, we're dishonest - heck, there's a lot of bad things about us. But we also have the ability to dream, to hope, to nurture, to give, to grow, to help, to inspire, to create, and to be kind. These things are not instinctual. They have nothing to do with basic living needs. They are choices we make, and whatever we choose to focus on is what we will receive in kind. We simply have to make the choice.
To those who have been bright spots in my life when I was in despair, you have my humble thanks. To those who were annoyingly positive during that time, you'll be happy to know your smiley-ness has infected me and it's spreading. To those to whom I'm now annoyingly positive, resistance is futile.
Hope springs eternal. It cannot be crushed unless we allow it - unless we choose to crush it within ourselves. I choose to nourish hope, I dare to dream. Why? Because I believe we're worth it. And I may be a fool for it, and I may get burned a time or two because of it, and I may get my hopes dashed to pieces on occasion. That's reality - it can happen. But so what? Like my friend says, "Damn the risk!"
Thanks for reading.
The Fat Kid
I am fortunate enough to have friends and loved ones who - even through the years of "ho-hum, thanks for noticing" claptrap I would utter - found ways to show they cared...often amidst my strong objections. They celebrated my birthday when I told them not to. They said "good morning" even when they knew my standard response was, "What's good about it?" They stuck with me through thick and thin, no matter how many times I tried to stand alone, aloof, and apart from the rest of the crowd. They didn't give up on me, even when I'd given up on myself, and I am a better man because of it.
At no time has this been made more clear to me than in the last few weeks. I was lucky enough to meet someone who was the very reflection of what I used to be: afraid to share, to give of myself, to let people touch my life and affect me, to be open and honest with who I am, and show off my best qualities. I was also lucky enough to see a friend make a decision to change her very life, and dare to dream again, to take a risk and say "Damn the risk! This thing is good, I deserve it, I want it, and even if it means I get hurt, I'll do it anyway!" And then, that same person said to me, "You never gave up on me, when I was giving up on myself."
It was, in a word, humbling. And then I was accused of wasting my life and time and energy on being poisitve when there was no point. To that, I say simply (and I think appropriately, too) Bullshit. To hope, to dream, to evision something that doesn't yet exist is to bring out the best elements in yourself, and maybe, if you're lucky, you'll help someone else out along the way. You might not even know you're doing it, but a kind word or smile, a simple cheery hello, anything at all can brighten someone's day. It makes a difference. That is never a waste.
There is nothing else like Man on this planet. Sure, we have our faults. We pollute, we waste resources, we kill, we steal, we're selfish, we're bigoted, we're rude, we're dishonest - heck, there's a lot of bad things about us. But we also have the ability to dream, to hope, to nurture, to give, to grow, to help, to inspire, to create, and to be kind. These things are not instinctual. They have nothing to do with basic living needs. They are choices we make, and whatever we choose to focus on is what we will receive in kind. We simply have to make the choice.
To those who have been bright spots in my life when I was in despair, you have my humble thanks. To those who were annoyingly positive during that time, you'll be happy to know your smiley-ness has infected me and it's spreading. To those to whom I'm now annoyingly positive, resistance is futile.
Hope springs eternal. It cannot be crushed unless we allow it - unless we choose to crush it within ourselves. I choose to nourish hope, I dare to dream. Why? Because I believe we're worth it. And I may be a fool for it, and I may get burned a time or two because of it, and I may get my hopes dashed to pieces on occasion. That's reality - it can happen. But so what? Like my friend says, "Damn the risk!"
Thanks for reading.
The Fat Kid
Monday, October 3, 2011
Why Men In Black needs to be a real entity...
Aside from the fact that it would be awesome to have Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith running around covered in interstellar bug guts, wielding obnoxiously chromed weapons that couldn't possibly exist and blowing up half of Manhatten, I'm really more excited about the possibility of everyone being put in a 36-hour day.
See, the Fat Kid needs a 36 hour day, just to be able to get to do all the things he wants to do. There's biking, of course, and writing, and woodcarving, and cooking, and playing chess, plus the occasional hour or two of sleep and one HAS to work (unfortunately, no one has volunteered to make me independently wealthy as of yet) and if there's any way I'm going to be able to get all this stuff in, 36 hours in the day ought to cover it. Heck, I'll even move to Jupiter, where the days are longer and there are MORE OF THEM! Huzzah!
But in this overindulgent age of movie series that go on for far too long (I'm looking at you, Michael Bay and Optimus Prime) I vote for MIIIB: Interstellar Black. I can see the tagline for the movie poster now: "The neighborhood just got a lot bigger." We can even scrimp on the actors and just hire nobodys and say that Agents J and K had to go through the 7-yr-identity-concealer in order to keep functioning. Hey, it worked in the last "Matrix" film. BRILLIANT. Now, step three: profit. Just wait for the mega bucks to come a-rolling in. After 70 minutes of special effects and 20 minutes of actual script, it'll be perfect for what Hollywood likes to package and sell for $10 a ticket. We might even be able to use stock footage for it!!!!! THere's got to be some cutting-room floor stuff left over from the first two films we can use! After all, why care about making good movies, since The Academy and Hollywood haven't cared about that in so long?
Cut. Print. Perfect. New plan: Use the extra hours in the day to spend all the moolah that rolls in from this new venture. Muahahahahahahaha...world domination is in my future!!! Unfortunately, I'll probably have to start in that big red storm thing on Jupiter, where nothing can survive...*sigh* Baby steps.
Thanks for Reading,
The Fat Kid
See, the Fat Kid needs a 36 hour day, just to be able to get to do all the things he wants to do. There's biking, of course, and writing, and woodcarving, and cooking, and playing chess, plus the occasional hour or two of sleep and one HAS to work (unfortunately, no one has volunteered to make me independently wealthy as of yet) and if there's any way I'm going to be able to get all this stuff in, 36 hours in the day ought to cover it. Heck, I'll even move to Jupiter, where the days are longer and there are MORE OF THEM! Huzzah!
But in this overindulgent age of movie series that go on for far too long (I'm looking at you, Michael Bay and Optimus Prime) I vote for MIIIB: Interstellar Black. I can see the tagline for the movie poster now: "The neighborhood just got a lot bigger." We can even scrimp on the actors and just hire nobodys and say that Agents J and K had to go through the 7-yr-identity-concealer in order to keep functioning. Hey, it worked in the last "Matrix" film. BRILLIANT. Now, step three: profit. Just wait for the mega bucks to come a-rolling in. After 70 minutes of special effects and 20 minutes of actual script, it'll be perfect for what Hollywood likes to package and sell for $10 a ticket. We might even be able to use stock footage for it!!!!! THere's got to be some cutting-room floor stuff left over from the first two films we can use! After all, why care about making good movies, since The Academy and Hollywood haven't cared about that in so long?
Cut. Print. Perfect. New plan: Use the extra hours in the day to spend all the moolah that rolls in from this new venture. Muahahahahahahaha...world domination is in my future!!! Unfortunately, I'll probably have to start in that big red storm thing on Jupiter, where nothing can survive...*sigh* Baby steps.
Thanks for Reading,
The Fat Kid
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