Good news, kids...With National Novel Writing Month quickly approaching (and seriously, they should really think about finding a month without a huge holiday in it) plans are well underway for the 50,000 word challenge. Yes, for those playing along at home, that's 1,667 words per day - the equivelant of a short essay. And that's not just five days a week, mind you, that EVERY day of November. Never fear, kids - I know how how to ramble on about seemingly unimportant things to be able to fill up a bit of space - or haven't you been reading closely? The key to doing something like this is to take it slowly. No, not the process of writing, but the plot and events of the story itself. If I take the time to let the story develop as it shouold, then I imagine that I'm probably looking at something akin to 100,000 to 130,000 words in order to tell the story I have in mind. No, if I can get THAT done in November, I'll be damned impressed with myself.
But if a story is that easy to tell in words, why can't we use the same thing for film?? Just slow it down and tell the whole story - leave nothing out. How hard is this to do? OK, it's a different medium, and you're going to "lose time" on the fact that things are visual - it's an instant communication, and all the words that take up six paragraphs describing the weather can be told in a split second. OK, that's the medium there, not the writing. It's not like a good story (and good story-telling) won't sell - look at Harry Potter. HUGE successes, and they never really scrimp on the storylines. They might eliminate a couple of things that don't really add to the movie experience, but each one of those films kept in mind the idea that you can never skip steps when telling a story. You have to hit all the plot points! You can't skip them - particularly when it involves falling in love (yeah, I'm looking at you, Kenneth Branagh and Joss Whedon, dirctors of this summer's "Thor").
Thus, there must be some ground rules posted for film.
The Fat Kid's Rules for American Cinema.
1) Thou shalt never sumbit American audiences to a film that runs under two hours, except in cases of childrens' movies or documentaries.
2) A character needs at least 4 "movie days" to fall completely in love with another character, otherwise, they just wanna get in the sack. Exceptions for productions of Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde, where it's understood they all just wanna get in the sack anyway.
3) I don't care how many explosions you use, Michael Bay, if the lines are bad, the movie is bad. Period.
4) THOU SHALT NOT REMAKE FILMS THAT WERE PERFECT THE FIRST TIME THROUGH. (AHEM: Producers of the latest "Footloose" film, are you paying attention?) If you want to remake something, remake a movie that bombed and rescue it from being the next "Ishtar" or "Gigli".
5) Thou shalt NEVER scrimp on the minutest of details when making a superhero movie. Please - the damned stories are already weak enough, and you have to get the two hours of run-time in anyway...just put the scenes in!
6) Thou shalt not remove scenes from the film that were put in the trailor. We'd rather see what we're getting than feel you've lied to us.
7) Thou shalt resist the temptation to animate/cgi everything and likewise shall resist the dreaded 3-D concept. It's on a FLAT screen. It's only two dimensional. Sorry, but it's the truth.
8) Thou shalt refrain from putting every female starlet in revealing outfits unless it is dictated by the role (example: Megan Fox in "Transformers" - shorts were completely unnecessary, we already understand that she's pretty). There are simply NOT that many stories about "working girls" out there. Stop it. It's called "style" and "class" and you need to get some.
9) There shalt be no more than a trilogy for all films. I'm sorry, but the same plot device being told 10-12 times is lame.
10) IF YOU CANNOT MAKE A GOOD FILM OUT OF SOMETHING WITHOUT ALTERING OR ELIMINATING CRUCIAL STORY THREADS, SELL THE SCRIPT TO A TV STUDIO THAT CAN. Case in Point: HBO's "Game of Thrones" was an excellent method of telling an epic story, and they did it well.
11) When adapting from a work of literature (fiction or non-fiction matters not) the Author of the book has final script approval. It's their story, not yours. Shut up and tell their story.
12) Writers write, actors act, directors direct....Producers just throw money around. I don't care if you're Spielberg or Lucas. Know your roles, do not cross them.
If you continue to demand simply crazy prices to watch your films, then I believe we're entitled to look at something worth watching. Thank you, that is all.
Thanks for reading,
The Fat Kid
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